Well, I just don't blog anymore, do I? To be honest, I am so tired all the time and I don't have the energy once I get home.

Tonight was fun. I am going away tomorrow night so I needed to get some cat food. I went to the store, bought the food, and headed home on the train. (Keep in mind that I rarely walk in the door before 7:30 which I find to be obscene. Walking to the store and then back to the train always tacks on an extra 45 minutes) I walked through my front door, suddenly realised I didn't have the bag anymore and burst into tears. Where was it? Apparently, still on the train next the man who was very interested in the contents of his nose. Now analysing this, was I crying over lost cat food? Not really.

What it really comes down to is the fact that I miss home and the people there who care. Chris is always telling me how "brilliantly" I am doing with adjusting here. I have a great job, I am meeting new people all the time, I don't complain about anything, etc. But the thing is, I AM complaining inside my head (I thought I was more outloud, but I guess not). I know everything takes time but adjusting here is way more challenging than I anticipated. The aspect that wears me out the most is the second guessing of myself ALL the stupid time - will they understand that joke? will they think I am a complete idiot if I ask this question? did I spell that word the "English" way? is the protocol for that the same as it is at home? do they just think I am plain weird? am I being productive enough? did someone already tell me how to do that? Where did I write that down? are they maybe laughing a bit at me behind my back? should I be walking home by myself in the dark this late at night? and do I have a choice? do I need to be mean to get good customer service? should I become cynical like many of the people here just so I can survive? or should I keep trusting in the goodness and truthfulness of people? are people good and true here?

I have met some good people who have been very kind to me. But this is a very large city with urban attitudes and because of that even the good and kind keep you at a distance. I am concerned that I will never feel truly close to people here and as you all know about me, I need that. The English are rather reserved. Something interesting I have noticed is that once they have had some alcohol in them, their personalities are more similar to Americans. They really warm up and are quite lovely. They are nice at other times as well, but I can't ever tell what they are thinking. In truth, I can't even tell if they like me at all (when they are sober). I don't want to give them a bad rap, they are really cool people, but it is a very different culture and sometimes I just want a big hug like I can get at home from most anyone I know. (Disclaimer: This paragraph does not apply to everyone I have met here. Some are very nice and friendly without alcohol.)

London is a great, great city and there are many things I like about it. But something I have realised recently is that it was never my ambition to move here. I always wanted to visit, maybe study here for a semester, which is what I did with my Internship in 2005. But to my complete fortune, I fell head over heels in love with an Englishman who is from London. And because I loved him and wanted to marry him, I moved here. I think I would feel this way about most any big city. I don't want to live in the heart of a large metropolis. You can feel alone in a city full of 10 million people quicker than anything.

Having Beka here was a God-send, but she left yesterday to go back to TN and I am terribly destroyed about that. With her here, I still had a connection with home. She is a fantastic friend and I desperately miss her. Chris is gone SO much and now that I am working all the time, I don't get to see him as much when he is home. That's hard to deal with when he is why I moved here in the first place. On the days he is home, it's amazing and we have the best time. Our marriage is wonderful and I never question marrying him for a second. But being here alone just sucks, there is no other word for it.

Sorry to be so blunt and heavy, but it just had to be said. I smile because I am happy with my husband, but on nights like tonight, I miss my home and wonderful loving friends. This is completely normal, anyone in my position would feel like this, but knowing that still doesn't make it easier.

I know I am strong enough to deal with this - that won't be a problem - but I don't want to become like the sea of people I see everyday on trains with dead eyes just accepting their fate of working until they drop. Life can be so much more than that.

I have the ideal husband, our own home, a good job, and two very sweet cats. Now I just need the rest of the dream...

Patience is just not my virtue.


I'll leave you with a pic of me and The Beka. I miss you, lovely girl. If you were here, we would be fixing dinner and watching a fun movie. Or we would be going to a show and having coffee afterwards just like in this pic. London isn't the same.