Warning: It's late and I am introspective

I was working on filing my old emails tonight on my computer as I never delete anything and it was interesting glancing over the last 4 years of my life. They have been four extremely diverse years. I had some good times prior to September 2004, but most everything was punctuated with sadness. I had about 4 guys that I went out with prior to that time and not a single one was right for me, especially that last one. But each of those, whether ended by me or by them, left me devistated. It's strange to look back on because I had always been a stronger person than that. However life experiences over the last 6 years had weakened me and I just couldn't cope like I used to. The final blow had been the slow and inevitable death of my father. Looking back, I used various interests and one dating relationship as distractions towards the end. Then after his death I used another dating relationship to distract me from the grief. I didn't feel free to fully show my emotions over my father's illness or death, so I poured my emotions into other things. In fact I felt everything to extreme degrees. My soul was not peaceful and my mind could not rest.

October 2004, my family went on a cruise to the Caribbean. Something clicked in my head out there in the ocean and I got hold of myself. I learned months later in my Death and Grieving class that everything I did and everything I felt was textbook. Now that doesn't make my wrong decisions any more right, but it helped me understand why I had felt and acted in ways that were very uncharacteristic of me. Maybe it was the ruins in Cozumel where our guide had us hold the ancient doorway and make our deepest, most desired wish, or maybe it was that 1 year had passed and my grief was manageable. Whichever it was, I came back changed. Well, I had decided to change back into my old self. I was happy and content and felt hopeful towards the future. I didn't feel self-conscious anymore or in need of someone to make me happy.

One month later, I met Chris for the first time. Nothing came of that first meeting for quite a long time. We gradually became friends which slowly turned into more. The "more" just existed in our heads from March 2005 to the end of April 2005. By the end of April, we decided that we wanted to try dating and that began the most unexpected blessing of my life.

I only mention Chris because the contrast between who I have been in my relationship with him and who I was in my relationships from 2002-2004 is unbelievable. I just wasn't myself. I was hurting and that showed through most everything I did. But hey, everyone has times like that in their lives and that was mine. I came out of my email sorting session tonight feeling so blessed that their aren't proper words to describe it. I stand in awe at the man that God has intended for me. It is better than I ever even dreamed. Whether we are apart for 3 weeks or together everyday for 2, there is a bond there that only comes from Him. I have never doubted it nor questioned it and believe me, I doubted and questioned everyone before him (and I have the books masquerading as emails to prove it).

I can't wait to marry Chris five weeks from today. He is the right man for me on every level and I thank God almost daily for being so patient with me during my "stupid" years. I have spent portions of tonight feeling truly humbled that He would provide such a perfect mate for me.